awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
