I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
