youre lurking in front of me
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
