a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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