apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
