Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
this will be a night to untag.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
