I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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