highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
