can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
