R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im six kinds of drunk right now
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
