I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
