I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
