A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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