How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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