Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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