Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
