Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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