Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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