Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
