when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
