I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
