Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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