Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
