if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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