She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
