Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
