Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
