The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
