Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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