Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
