i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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