if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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