I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
