I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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