I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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