Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
