theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
