I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
