i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
