Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Less talking, more tequila
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
