i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Two words: nipple clamps
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