I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
