Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
