Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
