uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
