Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
