everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
