Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
