I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
