What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize